your pupils were swollen
your body was emaciated
i hadn’t seen you in about a month
i guess your habits had gotten worse
i looked into your sunken eyes
i examined your lifeless face
i stared at your sweater, the one that used to fit you
it was now masking your boney body
the body i used to think was so beautiful
we talked for a while
you heard i still had a boyfriend
i was still “the one who got away,” you said
but i was just the one who didn’t give in
you stood towering above me
you asked me questions, but your eyes stared down at my torso, my lips
your usual bullshit
the shit that i called you out on from the start
my ability to see right through you, it’s what you liked about me most…
i wish i could say it was nice to see you
i wish i could say you looked like you were doing well
but all i could think of when leaving that bar was how lonely you were
how sad you had become
and how i wish you would replace your love for powder with your love for life

falling in love with a ghost is a funny thing
when you wake up one morning and realize
the person you are living for
does not exist
the sting is not as bad as expected
at first there are
tears
screams
shock, yes
but then… the peaceful realization of
what you already knew
his words are made up
his fingers never touched you
he is a coveted illusion
for being so foolish, self-hatred will take over
but then… the remembrance that
ghosts are the best at playing tricks on the living

i think about you sometimes
you told me you drew pictures of me
painted my face late at night in your attic
filled journals with poems about my skin and touch
i looked at you so curiously
wondering
how one can draw and paint and write and bleed for someone so intimately
when they have never touched
kissed
sucked
licked
or scratched them
i tried to hide my disbelief
i asked if i could see these pieces
you refused
your work is private to the world
i looked at you and my mind flashed to your studio
i tried to make up your art in my head
nothing i thought of was half as beautiful as the reality, of this i am sure
i destroyed you time and time again
you were beautiful sometimes
i was ugly most of the time
we were friends that never were

uninspired 2/27

i’m not interested in your art
it is my art
i want to pay attention to
i’ve been so addicted to
so distracted by
your art
how easy it is to regard other people’s
expression
other people’s
pain
other people’s
feeling
i seem to suppress my own because of
vulnerabilty
lack of trust in my hand’s ability
in my mind’s creations
i don’t know how to express my art most of the time
this day keeps me too drunk on technology
on commercialism
on consumerism
to confront my own art
my art has been lost
this place does not ask me to find it
it stays lost
my being is less
authentic
and deteriorates each day
i may not have my art yet
but i seem to feel your art is all
the same

everything is red
surrounded in warmth
red is all i see
your fingers paint crimson on my back
with each touch my body feels
the burn
the heat
the strength
swallowed up
i swim
hoping red will forever be
what engulfs me

10 things that occured in 2011 that I am thankful for

1. Delta Gamma, meeting some of my best friends in the world

2. Having an incredible time in Hawaii with my family, including going snorkling with 80 wild dolphins

3. Going skydiving with my two friends in Santa Cruz and landing barefoot on the beach at sunset

4. Having a horrible birthday, but having a best friend rub my back for hours so I could stop crying and fall asleep

5. Having an incredible vacation in the South of France with my family

6. Eating an unforgettable lunch and then swimming in the infinity pool/ocean at the famous Eden Roc in Antibes, France.

7. Going to Serbia to visit Mina

8. Going to Exit Festival in Serbia and dancing on stage with MIA in front of 20,000 people

9. Interning at Vanity Fair magazine and getting to be the Editor-in-Chiefs assistant for 2 weeks while her assistant was in Turkey

10. Meeting and falling in love with the sweetest boy on the planet who has the biggest heart a person could have

Other highlights: Diwali party at the Nandas, London/Ireland during Xmas break, Kid Cudi concert with Jordan, Dad speaking at U of A, watching Cameron perform in 39 steps, finally starting to love my cat, Josie coming into our lives, Lupe Fiasco concert with Taylor, Electric Zoo with Anna, 80s prom with Will.

Wow, 2011, you have been incredible. I become more and more blessed everyday. I had a lot of hardships this year, but looking back, everything worked out in the end, and the good completely out-shined the bad.

best, most peaceful day ever
i’m so at home here in ireland

woke up at 7 am to my mama feeding the cats that live outside our apartment. we played with a baby and a mama kittie for hours while cooking breakfast. my family woke up and we had a lovely traditional irish breakfast. parents dropped me off at dedes, and i watched pretty in pink with her and eoin. we hung out for a bit, and then she put on the guard. i was so tired from going out last night, i took a lovely 2.5 hour nap on their couch while S and de watched television. their couch is my favorite place in the world to take naps, and it has been forever. i sleep so well being surrounded by people i love so much. de woke me up because she made stir fry, and now we’re watching elf. i’m perfectly rested and ready to go to two 21st birthday parties tonight at the hotel/bar. i just love these people and this place and feel so at peace here.

Here we are again
It has become such a routine
What a delicious act to become so addicted to
We’ve memorized each other like we have no one else
You know what I know but the world doesn’t
I know what you know but the world doesn’t
The other souls stare with jealousy
Isn’t that lovely?
You are so lovely
Here we are again
You are so lovely
With your ability to destroy me and at the same time bring me to life
I remember the day it all changed
I can never go back
I am forever changed
The definition I had so deeply ingrained in my head
The way I thought it should be
Were empty feelings
Was a superficial act
All at once I feel as if all the drugs in the world are pumping through my body in a perfect harmony as I am set free
Ecstasy
Euphoria
The thoughts run around in my brain
“Has everyone had the chance to feel like this?”
“Do people know that this is possible?”
“What an idiot I’ve been letting people become a part of me before this.”
The fire inside my every molecule continues to burn
I am so high I never want to come down
You are so lovely
You are me
I am you
You are the only other soul who knows what my every molecule is feeling
I can tell my the way your eyes look at me
We tell each other poems, stories, novels within a single look
My body starts to come down
My mind stops asking so many questions
But I don’t mind
You are still so lovely
And I can feel this way anytime I want
Here we are again

we make love
differently than most
we make love fully clothed
his kisses wet and perfect slowly lead up and around my face
we make love when our hands, our fingers
are intertwined
pressed together so tightly our skin becomes one
we make love while in a room full of people
he looks at me without a word and it’s as if he has engulfed my every molecule
my every thought
his eyes scream he never wants to let go

i made friends with this outgoing 20 year old girl named Jade in the airport yesterday. we talked for 2 hours before our flight. she got my number, we want to keep in touch.

she’s a heroin user, and she was going through withdrawls. she looked awful, but you could tell how pretty she used to be. she started when she was 17. she told me so much about her, about the death of her best friend a month ago (who OD’d on her bed when she went to work), about her family, about why she started, about her schooling, she showed me her tattoos, her piercings.

i can’t get her out of my head. she told me she had to get high when she got back to vegas. she said she needs it at least once every 24 hours in order to be able to function. she had been away from it for 4 days, her hands wouldn’t stop shaking while we talked. i begged her to stop. she told me her plan was to get high when she got home, “party” for one more night, and then check herself into rehab. i pray that she gets clean.

i saw so much of myself in her. i realized i could be a completely different person than i am. i’m blessed that i am where i am and i am who i am. all of you are so lovely. don’t start anything that could mess up your life. everyone thinks they’re in control of everything they do. well guess what? at a certain point you’re not in control, and at that point, you’re too gone to realize.

i passed no judgement towards this girl, and she could tell. she told me she rarely confides in people, but she liked how easy i was to talk to. if you saw her on the street, you would have no idea that this lovely girl had such a problem. it’s proof that you really never know what people are going through.

i do not understand my boyfriend at all. well, i understand a lot about him, but i don’t understand how he has absolutely no fear when it comes to loving. maybe he does, but it doesn’t show or keep him from holding back. it’s fascinating to me because he has had quite a few girlfriends before me. i feel like i’m so closed off compared to him, and all because of the past, because of past people that have damaged me. he’s had rough relationships, but he doesn’t bring that baggage with him. i’ve never had a boy in my life like him. i’ve never trusted anyone as much as i trust him, i know he would never do anything bad to me. i literally don’t think i can do any wrong in his eyes. he is the kindest person, and he goes above and beyond for me… but even with that comfort, the past weighs me down. i guess that’s just the way i am. i’ve told him everything. everything. it’s hard to tell him certain things because somethings hurt him when i describe how hard they were for me, but he deserves to know what i’m going through. he tells me how in love he is with me quite often even though i’ve never said it back. i’m not to the ‘i love you’ stage yet, but he says it to me with no regrets. anyway, the point of this post is that i’m very thankful for him. he’s taught me a lot about what i always deserve. i wish i could be more fearless when it comes to love for him, but i’m thankful for how understanding he is. i’m thankful for someone who, everyday, tells me and makes me believe that i am an amazing person.

my little brother spent our entire time at the pool yesterday drawing these fantastic sketches. then we go to my grandparents for dessert, he sits down at the piano, and he plays these two beautiful songs. my grandmother asked him what they were from, she thought they were from a movie or some soundtrack… he revealed to us that he composed them.

my dad was asked to speak at U of A today. when we were supposed to leave to listen to him in 30 minutes, he pulls out a notebook and goes, “okay time to prepare and figure out what i’m saying.” and he was flawless, his speach was incredible.

my family puts me to shame, and i’m just proud to be related to them.

you’re so lonely?
well, fuck you
your bed is cold and empty
and you constantly dream about the past
wake up, making love to your bed sheets
do they smell of that rose oil i bought?
well, it’s all in your head
you wonder about the day we will speak again
as if those thoughts didn’t take up enough of your time
the regrets in your head start to scream
they take over
they repeat
people don’t do that to people they love
they don’t do that to people they love
they don’t do that to people they love
as you think about what you did
you scream
but i don’t care enough to hear you
you’re so lonely?
well, fuck you

we sat on the curb in the dark of the parking lot
i wore gloves, he wore a hood that made it impossible to see his face
we exhaled warm smoke
his lips were dry against mine
we talked about the start
about how things could have been
he laughed about how i was never shy, about how i was always myself
i laughed about how shy he was, yet how nervous he made me
it was too cold, our breath showed up like ghosts
we went inside and laid on top of each other like we do each night
we were almost asleep
he sat up
he said he was in love with me
i knew he would that night
i could read it his eyes
i kissed him
my lips pressed against his shoulder
we slept

it amazes me
how a person
who used to send chills down your spine with
a single look
turns into
a person who doesn’t cross
your mind
for days
weeks
lifetimes